Butchering the Book
by Jelly Wombat
Summary: This is the equivalent of me taking a big steak knife to the entire Harry Potter series, in that it completely butchers them. It follows Michelle, a new student, as she stumbles across, and points out, all the faults of the wizarding world.
1. Howarts Letter

(A/N: This is an overall parody(loving parody - they're good books) to the Harry Potter series as a whole. To do this, I've made up a new character and stuck her in Hogwarts. I mean, hey - there had to be _some _kids in Harry's year that went unnoticed, and deserve mention. I'm not going to giver her strong connections to major characters, because that wouldn't make much sense at all and I hate it when people do that. She's just there, like many, many neglected Hogwarts students.

Sooo...please give it all a chance, I can safely say that...I'll_ try_ not to disappoint. Happy reading!

Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I would have hired a team of scientists to genetically mutate all horses to be born in colorful pastels. So unless you can drive through the countryside and see twenty pink horses chomping on the grass, I don't.)

* * *

Michelle got her letter in the mail on August 29th. Well, that is, she got her letter on August 29th, but it didn't come in the mail - it came tied to the leg of a mangy old owl that ruined a lamp, a window, and one shoe. The window had only been scratched, but it was somewhat offensive nonetheless. When the thing had first flown into her bedroom window, she'd run to open it to see if the bird was dead. She hated it when that happened. Her window was scratched from the owl's talons, and as soon as she had her head out over the ledge the owl zoomed in over it, knocking over the lamp on her bedside table. When she turned around she couldn't see the bird anymore, but there was a letter lying on the floor. 

_Dear Student,_

_You have been invited to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wi-_

"Stupid junk mail", Michelle muttered as she tossed the letter into her garbage. Then another owl came, crashing into the window again. Michelle repeated the process of opening it and letting the second bird fly right through the space where her lamp would have been had it not been knocked off of her dresser by the last one. This one had the same letter. Well, as much as Michelle hated all these dumb new marketing ploys, she had to admit - these guys had style. Walking downstairs she found her parents in the living room and held up the letter.

"Mom, there's some sick new marketing thing where they tie the letters to birds."

Her mother looked at her blankly for a moment before taking the letter. "Oh, no, this isn't junk mail - it's your Hogwarts letter! You've been accepted! I attended Hogwarts when I was your age."

"Um...and do I want to know-"

"Oh, it's a school for witches and wizards! I'm a witch, you see."

"Oh. Cool. What's with the dumb name though?"

Her mother stared at her for a moment. "I don't know, I guess the former owners of the school had issues or something. Or maybe it was founded by pig herders or something. But I think you're missing the point - don't you feel...betrayed?"

"Um...no..."

"But Michelle, there's a whole other world - a whole other life that I hid from you!" Michelle's mother liked to watch soap operas.

"Yeah, whatever. I'm sure you had your reasons. Look - is this a boarding school?"

Her mother, looking slightly disgruntled, muttered, "Yeah...it starts on the first."

"Wait...that's only in a couple of days. Do all kids get them this late?"

"Well, I didn't..."

As Michelle later found out, the school had known about her eligibility to attend the school but quite some time, but had heard horror stories about her behavior and was reluctant to invite her. Her letter had been sent late because they had put off the decision and finally made it at the last possible minute. Now, however, she just shrugged it off. "Whatever. I'd better go pack." With that she started up the stairs. When she got in the door to her bedroom she heard a soft hooting, and knew that the owls were still there. She looked all over her room and couldn't find either one, but finally peered under her bed to see them both sharing a feast. Her shoe looked as though it had been chewed beyond repair. "Oh, gross!" She reached under the bed to retrieve the shoe, only to have both owls immediately screech and take to the air, aiming for her face.

"AHHHHHHHH!", Michelle screamed as she tossed the shoe out her open window, sending both owls soaring after it. She slammed the window shut and locked it, then started to throw things into a suitcase.

* * *

(A/N: Ok, kinda brief I know, but it's just an intro. I'll be writing more soon-ish. The timeline'll probably be kind of weird, but it will all fit together in order. I'm just not, you know, gonna follow her through every single one of her classes and all the boring stuff.) 


	2. Bertie Botts

((A/N: Ok, first I deleted the old version of this story, then I softened up and edited it to repost, and now of all things I'm updating it. Wow. But only because I got all these wonderful reviews so quickly! Niveneh, Odesa, and Ahven, this is for you guys!

Disclaimer: Harry Potter isn't mine, or this story would probably be about Harry Potter. Makes sense, right? Anyway, I own Michelle and anyone else you don't recognise.))

* * *

Michelle practically sprinted onto the Hogwarts express, despite her heavy luggage. Behind her, her mom was making a huge scene and crying out, "Michelle! I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth! Please don't go!" Her dad had backed up and was checking his watch. 

"Bye mom! Love you too!", Michelle called out as she ducked into a compartment and slammed the door.

"That's _your _mom?"

She jumped and turned to look when she heard a voice coming from behind her. A short blonde boy that looked around her age was sitting there, clearly addressing her although he was busy looking out the window at the platform. Her mother was looking in at her as she caught her breath, so she promptly leaned back out of sight. "Oh, no, of course not. But it's nice to humor them sometimes."

"_My _mom hates me. I'm poor, too."

"Oh, ok. That's nice."

The boy frowned. "I'm Timothy. I'm a pureblood, but I won't judge you even if you're muggle-born."

Michelle shook his hand, looking at him out of narrowed eyes. "O-kaaay, that's nice. But my mom's a witch, actually. Only my dad's...um..." She couldn't bring herself to say the word 'muggle' after hearing her mother use it earlier. At the time, it had sounded way too much like a parent's attempt at using teenage slang, and she had at that moment blocked it from her vocabulary.

"That's alright. I won't judge you."

She decided Timothy didn't really get what was going on, but couldn't tell what he was trying to prove. Whatever it was, he seemed harmless, so she replied, "Right, and I'm Michelle."

Timothy didn't seem to catch that his side of the conversation didn't really match up with Michelle's, and went on, "If you're hungry, I heard they come around and sell snacks. I would buy something, but I'm poor."

Michelle smiled blankly and nodded, and for a few minutes they sat in silence. When the train lurched into motion she risked a glance out the window, where her mother had dropped melodramatically onto her knees. Even through the closed window, Michelle could hear her cry, "Michelle! I'm sorry!"

When the snacks came around to their compartment, Timothy reminded her that he would buy her food if he wasn't poor, and pointed out some jellybeans that he said were his 'favorite food in the whole world'. After the first minute of this, Michelle gave in and bought a bag to share with him. Then the only sound in the compartment was Timothy shoveling handfuls of beans into his mouth, which was silenced only when Michelle forced his hands out of the way to get a bean out of the bag for herself. She popped it in her mouth, chewed, then gagged and spit it out the window. (A distant cry of frustration could be heard a few compartments behind them.)

"Um, Timothy?", she asked between 'blech''s.

"Mfuff?", he asked around a mouthful of beans.

"Um, why did that jellybean taste like grilled asparagus dipped in unsweetened chocolate?"

Timothy gave a muffled reply, and Michelle was forced to pry the bag of jellybeans away from him to get him to speak coherently. "They make 'em in every flavor in the world. It's magic."

She raised an eyebrow at the bag of candy. "Wow, I think that's technically the first magical thing I've seen. I mean, if you don't count the wall I walked through earlier, and that lame light show thing in the wand shop. And I don't think I will."

"Yeah. They're pretty cool, huh?"

Michelle frowned and shook her head. "Um, no, not at all, really." Timothy looked scandalized, so she elaborated, "I mean, think about it: normal jellybeans come in fruit flavors, and weird stuff like marshmallow and licorice, but you pretty much know what you're getting. So, what - now thanks to magic, I can open a bag of candy where half of the flavors make me want to throw them back up?"

Timothy stared at her blankly and remained silent, still with his scandalized expression. After a long tense silence, he asked, "...Does this mean I can have the rest of the jellybeans?"

Michelle sighed and nodded.

* * *

((A/N: Short, but not too shabby for getting it up the same day I reposted the first chapter, right? Hehe, those Bertie Botts Beans have bugged me for the longest time. And then it's like, what? They actually put them into production? 

It's even scarier when you see people buy the things. On an unrelated topic, though, those Chocolate Frogs are niiiice... There, Ms. Rowling, free advertising. Enjoy.

Review please! You're all wonderful!))


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